As of late, I’ve been feeling the “shoulds” come up, as in I should be pushing towards a big goal with my free time. After safely landing into a new normal, I have spent several weeks in relative calm. I’ve gone back to the tedious drone of corporate life, spending most of my days ruled by the hours of 9 and 5. My primary focuses for the next few months are to work, lay low, take care of myself and my animals, and save money for my next move. This focus on the personal aligns with the initial goals I set for myself in 2024, but I’ve felt guilty about it.
This is the first time in a while that I have put my creative career ambitions on the back-burner, but doing this has led me to space of fear and doubt. I’ve been thinking things like: “If I’m not constantly pushing forward, will I fail to reach my goals? If I’m not pushing myself everyday, do I even want them bad enough?” Like most of us operating in a capitalist society, I have been trained to always focus on achieving the next big thing. I have rarely ever stopped to smell the metaphorical roses, and have typically found myself accomplishing one goal just to turn around and focus on the next. All this has done, however, is keep me chronically burnt out and unable to appreciate my current reality.
I have been trying to remind myself that it is okay to hit pause on one area of my life in order to prioritize another. There is merit to putting our all into our personal lives, in fact it’s the only thing that actually matters. The external accomplishments and accolades are nice to receive, but so fleeting. I spent all of my teenage years and early adulthood striving to improve my life situation, and to be enough to everyone else by “making something of myself.” As much as I try to counter that thinking by reminding myself “I am someone already,” it never feels like I’m telling the truth. In this world, especially as a Black woman, it’s hard to feel that doing the average is enough. So in these moments, where I’m just focused on the 9-5, my animals, and my mental health, it’s hard to find peace.
However, there are only so many opportunities in life where we get to slow down, this is mine. In this slowness, I find myself called to reflection. Old wounds have resurfaced, after being pushed to the back of my mind for years, like clothes stuffed under the bed. That, and my sweet but poorly trained dog, have been reminders to keep the declaration that I made to use these next few months to focus on what’s close to home.
The guilt I felt in pursuing harmony in my personal life had me seeing myself as lacking ambition all together. What I didn’t realize is that my ambition hasn’t halted, I’m just using that energy towards making my life something that feels good instead of looks good for once. I’m no longer invested in good on paper, earning the admiration of others, or constantly feeling like I need to overachieve; I care about how this all feels - my mind, home, body, and family. I remind myself often that it is okay, and it is imperative, that I learn to prioritize the personal without shouldering unnecessary guilt.
In this last stretch of winter, the post holiday slump, I doubt many of us will feel the urge toward career ambition. This is the season of death after all, a time to stay inside, focus on ourselves, let go of what’s no longer serving us, and recover from the exhausting end of year sprint. The grind will always be there, but rest is so fleeting.
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Resources
The Woobles - If you’re looking for a non-tech/work related hobby in the winter months, I highly recommend crocheting. It’s magically relaxing and easy to learn with this beginner kit from The Woobles.
Pupford - For the fellow dog parents out there looking to step up their training game in 2024, I’d recommend checking out the Pupford app; it’s easy to use and provides step by step instructions on how to train your dog.