I didn’t know how much I needed to work on myself until I became single. I have often dated as a distraction, a way to fill a void, or simply to be entertained. This led me down a path of settling and maintaining connections long past their expiration date. It also kept me from really looking at all the things I didn’t like about myself, and doing the hard work of reassembling parts of me that have long been broken. After my last relationship ended, I told myself that I needed to get used to being alone. I knew that this was my time to get good with myself, so that when I decided to date again, I could do it from a place of discernment. What I didn’t anticipate was how difficult this journey would be. It turns out that I often find it challenging to be alone; this is why taking myself out to dinner was such a revolution.
On a rare Saturday at home alone I went to therapy, smoked a joint, watched a documentary, crocheted outside in the perfect sun spot, and got dressed; I decided that my day alone should end with a date. I showered, did my make up, put on something cool and headed to the restaurant where my brother works, Wooden City Chattanooga. My dinner alone was kind of a cheat since I technically knew someone there, but with my brother cooking in the back I was alone at the bar. I ordered whatever I wanted because fuck it, it’s date night. I expected to feel insecure about eating out alone on a Saturday night, but instead I felt like a badass. My company, attention, and validation became enough in that moment, when it’s rarely been in my adult life. My solo adventure reminded me of a very brief, but fulfilling period of my life four years ago.
In between my last relationship and the one that came before that, I was truly alone for six months. I was living in Chattanooga at the time, in a one bedroom apartment with just me and my cat Fifi. I remember that time being the first in my life where I really felt at peace. Aside from the psychopath boss I had, everything was pretty good. I had more space to myself than I had ever had before (or since), I had a decent car, I was running a side business, and made enough money to live comfortably.
The only issue was that I didn’t utilize my free time well, and frequently found myself bored (this was also during peak Covid). I didn’t really have anything exciting to consistently look forward to, but that changed when my then long distance relationship started with my ex. I was constantly back and forth between Chattanooga and Boston, and loving being in love and reacquainted with city life. Suddenly, life felt exciting and glamorous, and it wasn’t long before I kissed my solitude goodbye and moved in with my ex in Boston. I wasn’t prepared for the complexities of having a live-in partner, and in the difficult moments I would often reminisce on my six months of solitude. The peace I had then became cemented in my mind as what my norm should be, and I’ve been fighting to get back there ever since.
Four years later and I’m single again, learning from my past and moving into a future where my life feels healthy, peaceful, and balanced. I will soon re-enter another period of solitude, but instead of living in my quiet hometown, I’ll be living alone in the urban jungle of New York City. I am giddy about finding the perfect place, decorating, and resuming my rhythm of beep bopping around the city - I am also terrified. New York City is a metropolis of eight million people, but it can also be an incredibly lonely place. With so many faces buzzing around, there is little incentive for people to give a fuck about you.
Luckily, I have my animals and plenty of friends to keep me company, but it will be difficult to not have another human around regularly. I also have the unique blessing and curse of working from home, meaning most of my days will be spent with little human contact. With the absence of a romantic partner, I will need to go out of my way to not only take myself out, but to also find places outside of home to connect with other people.
Navigating life alone is intimidating for many reasons, but those that can handle it are granted superhero status. When you can be comfortable being single, you stop needing to make compromises for companionship and can be picky instead. Being alone also helps you reestablish your relationship with yourself, invest in self-improvement, take up new hobbies, strengthen your platonic relationships and your relationship with God (or whatever you believe in). I look forward to regaining the confidence that comes from being able to move through life independently. Cheers to many more dinners for one.
The intentionality behind this…! May this season of singleness be the benchmark for your next table reservation for 2.
There’s nothing that has healed me more than learning to be comfortable with myself 🤍