I can hear rain gently pouring outside my window right now, colliding with the grass and trees that define the “Hope Forest,” aka my mother’s backyard. I’ve spent the past two and a half weeks spending time with family, attending to my cat, taking walks in the neighborhood, and trying to find my center after one of the biggest shifts in my life. I also started a new job this week - I’m employed y’all! I’m happy to report that, for the most part, I’ve been fairly happy, save for the general friction of interacting with people and the post-breakup sadness that tends to descend upon me at nighttime. This week though, my anxiety has come roaring back in a way I didn’t expect.
We often talk about how painful endings are, but so are beginnings. Though the idea of starting anew sounds good, it’s initially uncomfortable because it requires us to step into the unknown. I am finding myself in that space and feeling resistance. I am standing in what I prayed for, but it feels awkward, anxiety inducing, and challenging. How do I navigate this new world that I’ve found myself in? A new city, state, relationship status, and place of employment all within a span of two weeks.
I started crying during work the other day and couldn’t understand why, but then I realized there would be something wrong with me if I wasn’t crying. Though on the outside everything seems calm, the reality is that my entire universe has shifted. Everyday I’m stepping further away from the life I knew and into new territory, uncertain of how everything will play out. I wanted this, welcomed this, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I still have to grieve everything I left behind, I still need time to adjust.
When you receive this newsletter, it will be my 28th birthday, taking place on December 28th - my golden year, which I’m taking as a sign that this coming year will be my best one yet. My birthday is conveniently (inconveniently?) four days before the New Year, giving me the ultimate reset. It also means that I won’t be the only one taking a deeper look at my life right now. We’ll all do the typical madness - review, plan, vision board, sign up for the new year, new me special at the gym, but this year I’m being a little more tempered with my goals. I am easing into 2024, quarter by quarter, with my ambitions slowly ramping up as I build momentum throughout the year.
If I’m being honest, 2023 was my hardest year to date as I watched my old life painfully, slowly, fall apart. So, I’m starting 2024 with the basics - get my shit together. My initial goals involve the doctor, dentist, veterinarian, and vitamins. In keeping my ambitions simple I am honoring where I’m at in life right now - an end and a beginning. I am also acknowledging that I cannot sustain any ambitions to conquer the world until I’ve regained some sense of stability.
What I’d like to stress here, is that we all have time. The most painful part of starting every year is that most of us hard launch into our New Year’s resolutions, and then burn out when we realize life doesn’t change all at once. This year, I propose that we see January 1 as the moment we plant the seed for what we hope will grow into a thriving plant as the year progresses. Anyone who’s ever gardened, or attempted to keep a houseplant alive, knows how slowly a plant grows. But if there’s anything I learned in 2023, it’s that slow and steady actually does win the race. As long as you show up consistently, watering your seed, you can rest assured that it will grow into a thriving plant in divine timing.
Resources
If you need a little assistance doing your New Year’s planning and vision boarding, a good source of inspiration is this video from content creator Lynette Adkins. She breaks down vision boarding, planning, and implementing behavioral changes to bring your New Year’s aspirations to life.
Not Nice - One of my biggest goals this years is learning to say what I want without the cage of niceness holding me back. I started reading Not Nice recently, to help me navigate this grueling journey, and would recommend this book to anyone looking to do the same.