This past weekend I was walking down a trail, just me and my dog, and I thought that I would feel afraid being relatively alone in the great outdoors, but I wasn’t. Instead, I felt a sense of peace and power, I knew that whatever found us on this trail I could handle it. This physical aloneness in nature helped put my internal world into perspective. In this season of my life I am walking down my metaphorical road, not alone, but not in love and in partnership anymore.
Valentine’s Day is once again upon us and I will be sad, there’s just no way around it. I loved really big, giving my relationship my all, but the caveat to love is that the deeper it is, the harder it is to grieve. I am still in my grieving process, and finding it a complex space to traverse. Some days I just feel like a normal human, and other days I mourn for the connection I’ve lost. I am preparing myself for Valentine’s Day to be one of the mourning days, not just because it’s a holiday centered around romantic love, but because it’s also the day after what would’ve been my third anniversary with my ex.
However, as sad as I am this Valentine’s season, I still love love. More specifically, I love falling in love. I’ve spent the past few weeks watching Sex Education during my lunch breaks, and it reminded me of how love can be. The show is filled with so many beautifully complex, honest, love stories. Every time I watch Sex Education, I long for those feelings of warmth, joy, and excitement, when you find someone that adds color to your world - the sensation of falling in love. I know, intellectually, that I will love romantically again someday, but I don’t know when that day is coming and that’s the hardest part. In the meantime, I’m focused on my most important love relationship - the one with myself.
Truthfully, I don’t like being alone, and that’s partially because I am unskilled at cultivating self love. Towards the end of my last romantic relationship I tiptoed into the self love realm by buying myself flowers. Purchasing a beautiful bouquet each week has been a nice way to add color to my home and put a smile on my face. My grandmother (Grams) did the same thing when she divorced my grandfather. Grams would buy herself flowers every week, and now I find myself mirroring her behavior every time I pass the bouquet section at the grocery store.
In the spirit of self love, I’ve also started taking better care of myself. I stopped being cheap and ponied up for a vitamin subscription and better quality lunches; I’ve gone so far as to meal prep at 10 PM on a Tuesday night, I’m reluctantly back in therapy. In my effort to love myself better, I have learned that proper self love sets the standard for how everyone else in my life is supposed to love me. Our society is obsessed with underscoring the importance of romantic love, as if that trumps everything, but you can never be loved properly by someone else without first loving yourself. If you’re single, be grateful for this rare window of time where life gets to just be about you.
If you’re lucky enough to have romantic love in your life right now, appreciate it. It’s not easy to find someone in this world who gets you, sees you, and cares for you. Show gratitude to your person for choosing to navigate life’s choppy waters with you. It’s the most special thing in the world, something that only comes around a few times in a lifetime if you’re lucky.
Love is a process, complex no matter how you spin it. Luckily for us, we have our entire lives to figure it out. Happy Valentine’s Day.
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Resources
Eat, Pray, Love - This story is basically the self love blueprint. At this point we’ve all seen the movie, but the book is worth a read as well.
How to Be Single - This movie is the perfect lighthearted watch for the girlies celebrating Galentine’s Day this year.
Sex Education - As mentioned earlier, I adore this show. No one does comedy like the Brits, and this show is romance, comedy, and coming of age all wrapped in one delightful series.