There are some changes in life that are welcome, like the new Wegman’s that opened up in my neighborhood and my arm muscles that popped out after weeks of upper body exercises. Then there are other shifts that feel too grand and cruel to stomach, like the fact that in less than a week my apartment will no longer be mine and I’ll be saying goodbye to my three year romantic relationship. I am petrified. I am forcing myself to do incredibly hard things, to shift everything that defined my universe for three years. It’s frightening and extremely painful; it hurts to let go.
There have been immense mental, physical, and emotional repercussions to changing my life. My anxiety has been raging, I wake up everyday feeling off - shaken by the thought of things to come. The universe has truly forced my hand this year. Bit by bit I have been required to let go of what’s no longer serving me, turns out that was most of the major pieces of my life.
I’ve spent the past two weeks packing up my belongings, and getting rid of possessions I’ve carried around for years that no longer serve purpose - old keys, papers, random shit I can’t remember how I got in the first place. I realized in this process that I have been holding on to what I don’t need, physically and psychologically. I have been clinging to my past actions, relationships, and versions of myself, so scared of releasing. But holding on has only ever forced me to shoulder unnecessary weight and I’ve grown tired of bearing it, so I’ve worked up the courage to let go.
It’s taken me months, years really to get here. To accept the things I cannot change, to loosen my grip on the aspects of my reality that I’ve let define me. If my life is a car, then I’ve gotten way too comfortable white knuckling the wheel. Part of my paralysis can be directly attributed to my tendency to over analyze - I find myself deathly afraid of making the wrong decisions. There have been many conversations, journal entries, and thoughts ping ponging back and forth in my head, all dedicated to determining what my next step in life should be. Eventually though, I realized that some things aren’t for the mind to decide, so I’m trusting my intuition.
Everything’s done now - plane ticket booked, belongings hauled off to storage, bed purchased for the office turned bedroom in my mother’s house, and yet I’m still met with uncertainty. What if I’m making a mistake? What if the changes I’ve envisioned look good in my head, but don’t pan out in real life? I am a strong person, but this situation feels too gargantuan for me to bear. I keep telling myself “I can’t do this,” can’t continue dismantling this life I built, can’t get on that plane this week. I’ve never been so terrified, so remorseful of every step that’s led me here, but the only place to go is forward.
This is why change requires courage - there is so much pain and uncertainty that comes with it. There is always a sacrifice that needs to be made and an unknown to step into. I have no idea what my life will look like in a month or six. The future is scary and blurry, but by some miracle I am still here, showing up with undone hair and teary eyes.
Housekeeping
For the next month I am taking some much needed time away from everything, including this newsletter and the digital world. I will be crawling into a mental cave and popping back out for a special newsletter on December 28th - my 28th birthday for anyone needing a reminder. Happy Holidays in the meantime to all who celebrate. If you’re looking to get your favorite writer (me) a gift, then please share this newsletter with someone who could benefit from it. Talk soon.