When I first arrived home in December of last year, I was in rough shape. My heart was broken from my breakup, my pockets were hurting from months of unemployment, and my spirit was tired from all that I had been through. I made it home though: back to a space that was big and gentle enough to hold me, back to the people that love me the most. I was grateful, but I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy at the prospect of leaving my hard earned life in Manhattan behind. Time moves so slowly here, and I fretted that the five months I had committed to being down south would crawl by. My brother countered this train of thought stating: “watch, the time is gonna fly by,” and it did. By the time you get this newsletter, I will be living out my last week at home.
I am not okay with the fact that it’s almost time to go, there is a part of me that doesn’t want it to happen; my heart is in denial. I could stay here forever, forgetting time and spending my days on the porch just being. I have gotten so used to the loud noises of my family and the chaos that is our collective brood of animals. I have learned to love the slow, southern days and the creatures that come to life in the spring time.
Home has truly healed me. I am not the broken woman that arrived here in tears five months ago. During my time back home, I got in touch with the roots of who I am and started the process of redefining myself. Being home, I’ve had space to breathe, heal, and think about what I want out of my life. My vision got clear here and now I can see where I’m headed, my mission moving forward is to not let this vision get clouded by all the distractions waiting for me out in the world.
In a week everything’s gonna change and I can’t stress how much I’m not ready for it. I fear how I’ll react in the face of another disruption, I fear I’ll get knocked off the center I’ve spent so much time cultivating. The city is a lot, and though I’m excited to get back to it, I don’t want to get lost in it. However, I have to remind myself that in every moment of change in my life I have survived, adapted, and eventually, (sometimes) thrived. Things are hardest in the beginning, but I’ll wake up six months from now and all the stuff I’m fretting about in this moment will be sorted out. That wisdom is what I’m calling on in this moment, as I bravely step forward and enter a new chapter.
When I first left New York, I kept thinking that I had a life to get back to. I was wrong. The life I had before is gone, there is nothing to get back to. This move back to New York is a fresh start; I am beginning a new life, just one with familiar faces. I have a new borough, neighborhood, apartment, and self to discover soon. It’s exciting, but also scary and sad - I’m leaving some really great people behind, again.
Soon, the goodbyes will be starting. One by one, I will hug my family members knowing it will be months before I see them again. It’s a heavy feeling to sit with, one that never gets easier. As much as I love roaming the world, it’s hard doing it without my family physically by my side. There is something that I carry with me though that I learned from my father; we never say “goodbye”, only “see you later.” Goodbyes are final, but “later” leaves the door open for us to meet again. So to my family that raised, that made me, that healed me, “see you later.”
Housekeeping:
As you all know, I will be moving soon and dedicating my time and energy to the process of getting settled into my new home. With that in mind, I am taking a month off of writing this newsletter to give myself the proper space to do so. I will be checking in frequently on Notes, for those that follow me there, and occasionally popping in on Instagram. I can’t wait to write to you all again in June, stay safe and sane in the meantime.
Gorgeous as always. I have a feeling you are ready. Write as you do and your community will be here for you.
This is a beautiful reflection on your time at home. It sounds like you've had a transformative experience - healing, reconnecting, and finding clarity. While goodbyes are hard, it's clear you're carrying a renewed sense of self and purpose into this new chapter. Here's to a smooth transition and exciting discoveries in NYC! Looking forward to your June newsletter.