Devotion is defined as “profound dedication, often to a cause, person, or religion, characterized by ardor and loyalty.” I have tried to be devoted to many things in life - people, jobs, places, etc., but the only thing I have ever felt fully safe devoting myself to is my writing practice.
Since I started this newsletter, almost two years ago, I have been on the path to fully surrendering myself to my craft. Slowly, I have increasingly poured more time and energy into this thing I love. In many ways it has saved me, writing is my refuge from the harsher things in life, and I have been grateful to continuously have this space to come back to. What has often been missing in my practice though, is time. When I was working a full-time 9-5, writing was only something I could squeeze into the edges of my day. I haven’t had a consistent, full-time job in six months, and the upside to that has been having real space in my day to focus on my creations.
In the peak of my unemployment (about four months ago) I was burnt out, freshly returned to my hometown, and craving a mental break. I felt drained from giving so much of myself to my former employers, just to continuously find myself ass out looking for another opportunity. Instead of dedicating most of my time and energy to job searching, I decided to structure my days of unemployment around planning, outlining, and conducting research for the novel that had spent too much time festering in the back of my head. In the margins of my writing work, I would work on my corporate job search, and I found myself energized by finally getting to prioritize my life the way I had always wanted to. It was a blissful state to be in - spending my days in devotion to what I love, but unfortunately, it couldn’t last forever.
After four months of unemployment, I landed a contract job doing HR writing for a CPG brand. From the beginning, starting the job was bittersweet. As much as I was grateful for employment, I was also mourning my days of freedom. I missed being able to read and write for hours on end, and for the first time in my life, I felt that my day job was a distraction from my work. I went to see the movie Sinners around this time and I remember feeling jealous of Ryan Coogler, who had something to give to his art that I longer had - time. The novel I had just gotten some momentum on needed me, and I felt frustrated that I couldn’t give everything to it. Even though I was still making the effort to write before my new 9-5, it didn’t feel the same; the stress of starting work on time made it difficult to get into a writing flow in the mornings. Additionally, the work I was tasked with doing at my day job didn’t exactly fit what was mentioned in the job description, and I soon found myself frustrated and drained from trying to do it. A month into my new gig, I felt like my manuscript was suffering along with my mental health, but those problems would be solved for me when I found myself unceremoniously fired.
To be clear, my firing was unjust. It came with no warning, a bullshit justification, and no prior communication. I worked all day on a Friday, logged off for the weekend, and two hours later got a call from the contract company that I wasn’t to return to work for the client on Monday. I was devastated, I once again put my livelihood into the hands of a corporate role, just to have it yanked away from me faster than ever. That day I cried big, ugly, devastating tears, and I felt something snap inside of me. I finally declared out loud “I can’t do this anymore.” What I can no longer do is devote myself to the wrong things, including working full-time for a corporation when that work drains me, leaves me financially insecure, and makes it difficult for me to show up for my art.
After being fired, I made the decision to start freelancing as writer and communications specialist. Working as an independent contractor solves two problems for me, 1) I don’t have to put all of my financial eggs in one basket because I can work for multiple companies at once, 2) I can make my own schedule and carve out the time I need for my writing practice. I have been thinking about getting into freelance work for years, but I never had the courage to take the leap into something that felt unstable. However, after surviving four layoffs and one firing in seven years, I realize that the full-time corporate path is the unstable one, and in this season of life, I’m being called to something else.
I was too devastated and pissed off from the firing to be afraid of taking the associated risks of freelancing, so I dove straight into it. I mourned my job loss for one weekend, and on Monday I started managing the particulars - health insurance and financials. I gave myself a month to get a proof of concept - AKA a client - and landed my first one within two weeks. Securing work as a freelancer so quickly gave me the confidence I needed to continue pursuing the path. The one client doesn’t offer enough work to sustain me financially, but it gave me a jumping off point; I recently secured my second client.
My weekdays now begin with my writing work, and are followed by work for clients and looking for new gigs. It’s been amazing to reclaim so much of my time and energy. I was able to pour myself into my manuscript, and the mini draft, for my grad school applications, is now done and ready for edits and revisions. I’ve also worked out a schedule for getting my grad school apps out the door, and that brings me to a little announcement - If I’m Being Honest is going on hiatus. From August through the end of October, I won’t be publishing any newsletters. I have been juggling work, writing the newsletter, and my manuscript for months now, but the upcoming months require me to lock in. I need to focus on polishing my manuscript and working on the supporting materials I need to submit with it for my school applications. To get where I need to go, I am devoting myself to this application process.
You can expect a piece from me at the end of October, and a full return in mid-November. I will miss you guys, but I will still be showing up on Notes and Tik Tok in the meantime. If you all miss me too, I hope you will, then you can keep up with me in those spaces and also explore my archive. All I ask in my hiatus is that you stay subscribed, so we can catch up when I return. I’ll be posting two more newsletters this month; I’ll see you in the next one.
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I’m thrilled for you, Amanda! I will continue to subscribe during your hiatus and look forward to your notes. You have the courage to trust your art, your heart, and your intuition.
So glad you decided to click corporate life to the curb. You are a badass! That firing was the best thing they could give you, the jerks.
As someone a month out of a corporate job and leaning into writing, this realllllly resonated. Good luck with your apps and manuscript 🫶