Maybe You Should Dance
On Taking Joy When it Comes
“Power music, electric revival
Power music, electric revival”
- Bombs Over Baghdad by Outkast
The song “Bombs Over Baghdad,” by Outkast pours out of my phone speaker and my body starts moving on its own accord. I’m jumping, shaking, wiggling my body to the beat of the music, and I feel all the anxiety I’ve been carrying around wrestle free from my body. This is dance, this is therapy, this is exorcism.
***
My days the past few weeks have felt more dark than light. New York is freezing, the sun is still setting before 5 PM, and I’m still without a job and running out of time to find one. To make matters worse, I’m in a full on beef with my landlord in an attempt to get out of a lease that’s now difficult to afford. Some days my anxiety about the situation is so bad that it seeps into my dreams and takes over my body. When I remain in an anxious state too long, it inevitably gives way to depression, a state of mind I’m familiar with and fight like hell not to be in.
I noticed depression creeping in when getting out of the bed started feeling harder. Thank God my dog has been with me recently because more often than not, it’s him and his kisses prompting me to get up and start the day. My days right now are centered around dog walks, emails, the occasional job interview, phone conversations, job applications, fighting with my landlord, and looking for someone to takeover my lease. Essentially I’ve been trying to find an internal job before my leave ends (it’s been extended to 1/31) and find someone to takeover my lease in February because my unemployment income isn’t enough to cover my cost of living. This January has truly felt like the longest month of my life, with each passing week bringing more anxiety as I try to get everything together before 1/31.
In my past life I would be responding to this situation by walking around in a weed induced haze, smoking was my coping mechanism of choice, but I quit! My last day smoking was the day before my 29th birthday and I’m not looking back. My backup substance to smoking has always been drinking, but I’ve also drastically cut back on that, so now drinking is an occasional thing. I say all this to say that with my old coping mechanisms gone I’ve been forced to find new ways to deal with stress.
Meditating and journaling are not just daily practices right now, they’re requirements, especially meditation because of its ability to calm my mind down. In addition to traditional self-care, I’ve found that hobbies have been particularly helpful for de-stressing, my current hobby of choice is doing puzzles. But the thing that helps the most, which I wouldn’t consider one my hobbies necessarily, is dancing.
Dance has been a part of my life for a long time. Towards the end of elementary school I started taking ballet, jazz, and tap dance lessons. Because I went to a creative arts middle/high school I continued to take dance classes from sixth grade through sophomore year of high school. I wasn’t really a great dancer, I have long limbs and find it difficult to move them gracefully the way ballerinas do, but I did take well to jazz, tap, and modern dance, preferring the freedom those dance forms offered me.
In sixth grade, our English class self published a book called Encyclopedia of a Sixth Grader, 2008 Edition. All of the students wrote short essays for inclusion in the book and I had a piece included called “Tingly,” a story about my love for jazz dance class. The second paragraph reads: “A sense of freedom rushes through me in jazz class, when I do jazz walks. I feel like I am floating on a cloud. The class gives me a dance [chance] to release my energy when I’ve had a bad day. No one limits me to what I can do.” It’s funny how some things never change.
I gave up dancing when I was fifteen because I wasn’t taking it seriously; I felt like I should move aside and leave room for the girls that were dedicated to the art form. I think that was my attempt in taking a grown up approach to things and I wish I hadn’t. I didn’t know then that you can do things just because you love them. Not everything we do in this life has to be something we take seriously. Now, at twenty-nine, I give myself permission to do things solely for fun and to dance because it feels good.
I’ve been bingeing Killing Eve lately, and towards the end of the series, one of the main characters (Konstanin) tells someone “life is miserable, take the joy when it comes along.” I don’t know if I agree that life is miserable, but right now it often feels like it, and dancing provides me the opportunity to steal away a piece of joy. More importantly, dancing forces me to get out of my head and back into my body, and thus, the present moment.
In times of extreme stress reprieve is necessary. It can feel silly or irresponsible sometimes to take my mind off things, but I have to remind myself that stress isn’t helping me either. My old therapist told me to prepare versus worry, to plan instead of panic. So in between preparing, planning, and hustling I give myself the gift of escapism. I lose myself in a puzzle, The Real Housewives of Potomac, Killing Eve, or good music and dancing; anything to feel the weight slide off my shoulders, even if it’s only for a little while.
Housekeeping:
With my life being in absolute chaos, I am going to take some extra time between this newsletter and the next; my goal is to have another piece for you on 2/12. Talk soon.
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as someone who similarly danced throughout life and stopped around college, it’s always been the one thing that lets me get back to myself! this is the reminder I needed to just let my body move 🤍 loved this read!
This came at the perfect time. Reading this truly made me feel a sense of reassurance and acceptance.
You have an incredible style of writing! Can’t wait to go back and read every entry!