Shortly after launching If I’m Being Honest, I went to a party at a bar. I immediately bumped into a friend of a friend, that I’d previously met, and we delved into conversation. At some point in our chat, she mentioned that she read my newsletter and really liked it. I remember being both flattered and a bit mortified talking at an in person event about something I did online that felt so small. Said mortification led me to almost immediately change the subject. Despite the fact that I write about my life at length, I am just now discovering the art of talking about myself in person instead of defaulting to asking others questions about themselves. I digress. The point of this anecdote is that this was the moment that I realized what I was doing wasn’t something going unnoticed in the never-ending, dark hole of the internet. People were noticing and delighting in something that I almost wasn’t confident enough to do in the first place.
When I entered corporate America full-time, post-college, it didn’t take long for me to lose my confidence. I had dominated under the academic rules of meritocracy, where the best work got the best grade, but quickly found that merit did hold the same weight in the working world. Despite having bust my ass interning in various entertainment spaces in college, post-grad I found myself working first as a customer service agent for a temp agency, and later doing administrative work preparing taxes at an accounting firm back home. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I left the storied land of BU. It stung even more to watch as a friends, classmates, and acquaintances posted their much fancier, cooler jobs all over Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram, while I looked on from what felt like the sidelines.
Despite living out what felt like a bad Hallmark movie on returning to your hometown, I managed to turn my situation around. I started a small, plant based food business with my brother called Not Your Mama’s Greens, and I found a mentor at work to take me under her wing in the communications department. Out of the two, the business meant the most to me. Starting my own company gave me something that was once again in my control. I could determine how well I did and how far things went, and we experienced a decent amount of success. Locally, Not Your Mama’s Greens became known for our food, content, and cooking classes, but running a business with family and friends is a delicate matter. After my move from Chattanooga back to Boston, despite my efforts to keep things going, it started to become clear that our team wasn’t prepared to take our business to the next level like I wanted. It killed me, but I eventually made the call to close Not Your Mama’s Greens, it hurt so much it’s still hard to talk about to this day.
Corporate career wise, I have also faced my fare share of hurdles in a relatively short span of time. I was laid off three times in three years, with one of those occurrences happening ten days after moving to New York. When I started this newsletter, I was in the midst of my third layoff and the loss of my first freelance writing gig in the city. At this point, I started to feel haunted by failure. A lot of my identity growing up was shaped by being a gifted student, my ego resting on the frail structure of good grades, awards, and applause. To go from that to failing in my career, business, and even writing, made me question if I would ever live up to the person I thought I was destined to be.
For the first time in my life I was questioning my capabilities, but I was also down bad and eager to do work I loved again. Though my freelance gig didn’t work out, it was a major step in my course correction. The joy I felt in researching, interviewing, writing, and seeing my stories published was a feeling that I didn’t want to let go of. So, despite the self doubt I was riddled with, I used my newfound downtime and mental capacity to start to dream up If I’m Being Honest.
Beginning is awkward and vulnerable because you have to allow yourself to be seen trying with no insight. Before I launched If I’m Being Honest, I was caught up on knowing exactly what I was going to do before I did it. I had a friend advise me to just start, and told me that along the way myself and my audience would show me what this newsletter needed to be. She was right. Over the course of this year I have started figuring out what works for me. I wouldn’t say I have a niche though, when I tell people what I write about in real life I just say “my life.” If someone has a better description for me, I’ll take it, but “my life” seems to sum it up.
Sans niche, and starting with only a small audience of family and friends, I worried that few people would read this newsletter or care; I fretted over people judging me; I feared that this would end up going nowhere. I was surprised to find the exact opposite, receiving support from the beginning. Y’all showed up for me with pledges, comments, likes, texts, emails, and in person conversations, all telling me how much you love my writing and how you look forward to getting this newsletter every two weeks. It means the world to me, I’m humbled that my words get to make a difference. I have been given purpose again, I have been brought back to life. This newsletter is my anchor, it’s the thing I look forward to as well. When life feels complex, confusing, and just plain exhausting, I always have a space to share how I really feel about it and learn that I’m not alone.
After school, I stopped believing I could do the work I wanted. I convinced myself that making art for a living was a privilege I couldn’t afford with my working class background. Now, I say “fuck that” because even though I may not have all the money in the world, I have faith, talent, time, and a community of people who believe in me. I have learned that half the battle in this life is believing you’re worthy of the things you dream about. The more I show up in this space, the more I start to allow myself to dream again. I’ve been ideating bigger projects and aspirations all connected to my love for the written word.
This newsletter marks the end of the first year of If I’m Being Honest, but it really feels like the acknowledgment of a beginning. Moving forward, I plan to craft these stories with more intention, find new ways to evolve as a writer, and expand this community. Speaking of community, I’d be remiss if I did not show gratitude to this newsletter’s silent editor. When I published my first piece, “The Why,” it originally had a typo that only my father caught. Acknowledging his keen grammatical eye, and my need for a trusted proofreader, I immediately promoted my father to unpaid editor. Since then, Dad has proofread every piece I’ve written before it gets scheduled for publication. Sometimes he catches typos, and other times he replies back with a simple “great job, sweetheart!” Thank you Dad, for all your help this past year.
I’d also like to shoutout the Substack writing community who has shown me so much love and support. Starting out, I never predicted that I would build an audience of both readers and writing peers. I have experienced so much joy engaging with other writers on Substack, and I love reading all the beautiful work y’all bring into the world. This space is special and I’m so happy to have found it.
Last but not least, to my readers at large, thank you, thank you, thank you. I am honored that you’re all still rocking with me one year later. If I’m Being Honest, it’s been a blast.
Ways to Support
As much as I love doing this work, I must acknowledge that it is indeed work that I dedicate a lot of time to. I plan to keep If I’m Being Honest free to read awhile longer, but I am introducing some ways you can support this publication. There is never an expectation, but any extra support is much appreciated. This section will permanently be featured at the end of every newsletter.
Buy Me a Coffee - Consider this a “tip your writer” option. I love a good cup of coffee and you can buy me one by clicking the link.
Pledge a Subscription - At the bottom of every post is the option to “pledge your support.” This means that when If I’m Being Honest offers a paid subscription option in the future, you will automatically be enrolled as a paid subscriber. You won’t be charged before then.
Engage - Engaging with my posts is a free way to support this publication. Every like, comment, and share is valuable and helps this community grow.
Recommend My Publication - For my fellow Substack writers, consider recommending my publication; I am always happy to return the favor.
Congrats on 1 year! It’s only up from here 🙌🏾
cheers to year 1. Year 2 is about to be a grammy performance!