It’s 7:20 a.m., my alarm goes off and I immediately hit snooze, but to no avail. My cat has already heard the sound and is now howling outside my bedroom door “MEOW!”She will continue to meow incessantly until she eats, so I reluctantly rip my duvet off and hustle out of the bed to feed her. Once she’s satiated and quiet, I return to my bed and do the thing you aren’t supposed to do - go back to sleep. I set an alarm on my phone for fifteen minutes, enough time to drift into slumber. Even with the all the snoozing, I should be up well before 8:00 to do work on the newsletter before starting my day job at 8:30. I don’t make it out the bed until 8:15. This isn’t really like me; I almost always hit snooze, but on the mornings I’m scheduled to do newsletter writing I’m more than willing to start the day a little earlier. But today I don’t want to do it, and this feeling of wanting to opt out has been recurring; I am starting to question if I am depressed.
I am no stranger to depression, we are old friends who don’t speak very much anymore; I have put a lot of practices in place to avoid her. I meditate a few minutes in the morning, journal almost daily, exercise, go the park after work to connect with nature, and frequently pet and cuddle my animal companions. These are all the things the self help people and therapists tell you to do for wellbeing, so why am I still sad?
I have come to the realization recently that capitalism is not designed for the average person to optimize their wellbeing. The only thing that is enhanced in this system of trading time for money, and never having enough money, is the national GDP. Corporate America is set up to take as much as possible from us workers - our energy, time, and health - and give back very little in exchange. We are meant to suffer at varying levels depending on how our work is valued within the system. The only people who have a chance at happiness under capitalism are those who are in control of how they make their money; I am not there yet.
Yesterday I journaled and wrote “I am tired,” three times in 1.5 pages because I am. I had a meeting at work last week where it was confirmed that my job is not that secure. During my short time in corporate communications and marketing I have never had job security, but because I am a government contractor I thought things would be different this time. Contrarily, I probably have less job security than ever, and this fact sent me into a spiral last week - all of this suffering and I’m still not safe. I pulled a Solange and tried to smoke it away and drink it away, while knowing I was participating in toxic coping mechanisms that wouldn’t actually improve my situation.
This week I am prioritizing sobriety and sitting with my emotions. I know that I am feeling down and it would be easy to just blame work, but it’s more complex than that. My internal world is changing faster than my external world is. I am not the same person I was last year and I am incapable of comfortably living the same life I was previously. I have spent a lot of time evaluating my work and overall life situation, and feel that it is all out of alignment with who I am now and who I want to be moving forward.
A month or so ago I found myself obsessed with slow living YouTube videos. For those unfamiliar, slow living is a lifestyle that serves as an antidote to hustle culture. As hinted by the name, slow living is about slowing down, savoring life, balancing work with rest, and living in the moment. I can’t help but feel like I am being drawn to slow living for a reason. Perhaps it is because the way I’ve been doing things, running the rat race, has been running me into the ground.
Most weeks I feel like I am sprinting. On a productive week I am up at least an hour before work to plan and write this newsletter, then I work my day job from 8:30-5. After work, the second wave begins. I try to get a quick nap in after 5, followed by walking my dog, exercising, cleaning, and cooking dinner. I eat in front of whatever my TV show of the moment is, watch more television or read, and then I’m off to bed to make an attempt at 8 hours of sleep. I do this for five days straight and then I socialize, clean, and reset on the weekends. I’m tired just writing it all down.
A tide has turned for me this year though, I have felt this desire to stop trying to do it all all the time. The problem is that in today’s economy doing the “minimum” of a 40 hour a week corporate job isn’t enough to live a life I’m happy with. So even though I’d like to slow down, my financial situation and job instability are screaming for me to do more, hence the depression.
I can’t figure out how to slow down, have balance, rest and savor while also trying to survive. Unfortunately, in this world, that kind of lifestyle is a privilege. The only way of living the slow life is by having control over how, when, and how much money I make. I see another side of my life where I am making my own schedule, doing work I love, and making a shit ton of money doing it. That is the North Star guiding me through the end of this dark night right now.
I didn’t feel like it, but I went on a run today. Running is inevitably uncomfortable, and sometimes straight up painful, but in the moments when I feel like I can’t push through I tell myself “pain is temporary.” I needed that reminder today, pain is temporary and so is the current state of my life. It won’t be like this forever. If I stay consistently working towards the life I want, then one day I will wake up in it.
That day is not today, but I survived nonetheless. This stage of my existence is tiring, and sometimes depressing, and maybe it’s supposed to be. The only way to change your life is to get so fed up with your situation that you’d do anything for it to be different. I am there, at another crossroads desperate to get to where I’m meant to be because I deserve a life where I’m excited to get out of the bed.
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There’s a new book out called Slowing…I think this post is my push to buy it!!
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