Something Good Will Find Me Here
On Having Faith in the Unknown
For once, I’m not quite sure what to say. When mentally planning out this newsletter, I instantly knew it would be an in depth rundown on my return to New York. The issue is, I’ve found it difficult to grasp how I feel about my comeback, with my emotions changing from one day to the next. In general, I would say I’m struggling with my return, often regretting the decision. These first few weeks in the city I’ve felt lonely, stressed, frustrated, happy, excited, calm - an array of emotions that have been hurling me around like a roller coaster. The emotions I can handle, but what’s bothered me the most is the questioning.
My three year old niece recently discovered the word “why” a question that has riddled my thoughts lately. I keep asking myself “why did I do this, why am I here, what’s my purpose in this city?” I had finally gotten into my groove in Chattanooga; I was making great progress on my healing journey and getting my finances in order, and then I went and shook it all up.
I came back to the city “to be a writer,” which was vague when I declared it and even worse now. I feel that I miscalculated, glanced over the fact that so much of the writing space now exists online, meaning I can write from anywhere. In short, my purpose for being in New York feels null and void, and what’s the point in being here without one? This question has left me mentally spiraling and kicking myself for spending so much time, effort, and money to perform a version of a life that I was already living back home, albeit with much larger expenses. The latter is another piece of my discontent; living in New York is notoriously expensive, and I went from feeling a mild sense of financial comfort, to being perpetually strapped and crunching numbers. I DON’T LIKE THIS, not one bit.
The main problem in the situation, of course, is me and my perspective. The logical part of my brain, on a good day, is telling me that the cure to all my questioning is patience. Things take time to work themselves out, and purpose usually identifies itself in hindsight. A month is hardly enough time to understand why I’ve been called back to this city at this exact moment. I have to accept that fact that what will unfold during this period of my life is yet to be known, and I need to have faith that something good will find me here.
I have this great teabag quote that now rests on my computer, it says “the unknown is where all outcomes are possible; enter it with grace.” I am in an unknown right now, which is scary and anxiety inducing, and it’s precisely why we as humans pull teeth not to enter them. I was happy in Chattanooga because I had gotten comfortable, having overcome the hurdles that faced me when I first arrived. When I left I was making the harder choice to leave what I knew, my new comfort zone, in pursuit of the potential growth I could find back in New York. The end of the teabag quote is perhaps the most important part “enter it with grace.” I have not given myself grace in this transition, but I have heaped expectation onto myself.
Getting my shit together back home, and getting a new place in Brooklyn, was a mountain I successfully climbed, and I expected to stay up there, but when you climb one mountain in life, there’s always another one waiting for you. That’s where I find myself now: staring up at the next summit, frustrated and ready to pack things up. I was reminded today though that nothing works out in the beginning, so maybe, for now, just being here is enough.
Questions
(To be answered in the comments, on Notes, or in your journal).
What mountain are you climbing in life right now? How is it challenging you?
How can you show yourself more grace when navigating your current challenges?
The valley between the mountains is always disorienting because you can’t see anything and you feel small, but so much grows there. We just have to look for those things ◡̈ you’re doing great!
It hit me for the first time last night. I had the thought and said aloud, I really love a lot of things in my life. I moved to save money and I love my apartment. Things have shifted and I had to get a new car so now I have a car payment, and so that is contributing to not being able to save as much as I thought I would basically the mountain I’m on is that I moved for one reason and that reason is no longer a truth because my expenses increased because of these new things. Granted if I stayed where I was, I wouldn’t be able to afford these new things And I’m right back where I was financially, but it’s a bit tight and I live in the area where there’s always something new I want to experience. I’ve come to the realization I have to make more money to live the life I desire no matter where I live, I live in a really affordable area, but it doesn’t matter if my personal expenses increase. Another hill: I wonder how long I should live in this area. I have a couple of months to decide if I’m staying or going, but I’m learning you can only plan so far in advance and honestly, those plans aren’t guaranteed. I’m giving myself grace by being present, taking it a day at a time, and also being proactive in the job search.