sometimes I just don't have the words
on being a really tired Black person
It’s a Thursday and for some reason I can’t face the world. I have been ripping and running for almost two weeks, figuring out a new means of survival, but on this day I’m being pushed down by a wave of emotion that’s too heavy get up from. I decide to spend the day in bed watching movies and disassociating from reality. It’s on this day that I write on Substack Notes: “Being a Black creative showing up on platforms where your content isn’t pushed as much as your white counterparts, is exhausting. Some times the disparity makes me not want to show up at all, but then I remind myself that I’m showing up for the people that need me, not the algorithms.” I ended up striking a nerve on Notes with my statement, and it’s the catalyst for this story.
It all started on TikTok, of course, for years Black creators have been talking about the racial disparity on the platform. Black creators have complained about making content that isn’t pushed much by the TikTok algorithm, but when the content ideas are stolen by their white counterparts it goes viral. I’ve always believed the Black creators, but I never understood what they were talking about until I kind of became one of them. I really love TikTok as a platform and I believe that as a writer in 2025, it’s not enough to just focus on the writing - you also have to have an online presence somewhere. With that in mind, I decided at the beginning of this year that I would really push to grow my presence on TikTok as my secondary platform to Substack. It’s been going well so far, I’ve been able to grow my following, which started at about 400 followers in January, to a little over 1000 now, but that’s when I noticed the disparity.
At this point, I almost exclusively share video content about writing - vlogs, readings, etc. I recently came across a couple of creators who were posting similar content on Tik Tok, and I couldn’t help but notice that even though they’ve been posting for a fraction of the amount of time that I have, all their videos had over 1000 views. Even though I’ve been posting six days a week for months, I’m lucky if I crack 500 views on a video. The content they’re sharing isn’t objectively better or particularly noteworthy, but the difference between us is that they’re white and I’m not. I don’t believe that I inherently deserve views just for showing up, but my audience is engaging with me - they’re following, liking, and commenting on my posts, so clearly people like my stuff. That leaves me to ponder why my content isn’t it being pushed more?
I’ve noticed a similar pattern on Substack. A lot of the Notes that I see go viral, and the newsletters that I see being pushed by the platform itself, are created by white writers. I’m not the only one who’s noticed it, another writer on here,
, wrote a piece addressing the issue called “Top of Substack so white.” Chandra did an independent study and called out that, after examining the “tops” list of twenty interests categories on Substack, “Only two of these categories feature a visible, non-white person in a profile photo.” The reality that yet another aspect of my life has been corrupted by racism, was the final thing that pushed me to a breaking point. This isn’t a crash out solely about Tik Tok views and Substack subscribers, it’s about me constantly trying to push forward and make my life what I want it to be, and every. single. time., racism is an obstacle in my way.I was recently working a contract job for a month, and long story short, I was fired for nothing and given no warning signs leading up to it. I was giving no negative feedback for my work, so I had no idea that this woman had an issue with my work at all! Post firing I was traumatized, but I didn’t think about the racial component of the situation. My supervisor on the contract was a white woman and someone in my circle asked me if I felt like my firing was racially motivated. I hadn’t bothered to ask myself that question until they asked, I replied to them and simply said “well I’m sure if I was a young white woman she would’ve given me more grace.” Often times the people that I see in corporate workspaces that are given grace, receiving mentorship, and getting promoted, are white. This is because the people that are in charge, in corporations across the board, are also white and they often choose to help the people they most identify with.
Disparities in workplaces and social media algorithms are just two examples of how Black people are systematically kept out of places that could actually help us ascend economically in this country; that’s been more evident recently with the attacks on DEI across corporate America and beyond. Black people in corporate spaces in particular, I can attest from personal experience, are more than qualified enough to be there, but rarely are we simply given the opportunity. When we do finally get in the door, our careers are hindered by office politics. I’ve heard many a story of tricks played to keep Black folks from getting rightfully earned promotions, all to keep us out of leadership positions where we can have real influence. It’s common practice for me to look at the executive team of any company I’m interviewing for, and the majority of the time no Black faces are there. That tells me that I can only climb so far at that organization before that brick ceiling appears. It’s makes it even more crushing then, when you try to break away from that setting and do your own thing, and find another ceiling there.
It’s hard to talk about these issues in person and online because people really like to gaslight you, and tell you that you’re “sowing racial division,” making things up, or simply complaining. White people in particular like to act like anything and everything is happening but racism. “People aren’t racist, that’s a thing of the past,” so why is Donald Trump president again? People literally voted for him over a highly qualified woman of color, let’s be real.
Race is this something that lingers in the silence. It’s always there even in my personal relationships, where the priority is to connect human to human, there always comes a moment (or many) where I’m reminded that we are not all living in the same world. Sometimes it’s bigger than that, and relationships crumble because when your universe is different so are your ideologies, and love or goodwill isn’t always enough to patch over that. As much as I’d like to pretend my race doesn’t matter, the truth is that I’m constantly experiencing racism in the form of barriers to people, opportunities, and to my own sense of freedom. It’s gotten so exhausting that, within the next five years, I plan to move abroad just for the opportunity to experience a life where the color of my skin isn’t constantly being held against me. I love being Black, I hate the way the world punishes me for it, and if I can find a place where that reality is less so, maybe I’ll have a real shot at happiness. Think about that - I’m willing to leave my home country, family, and friends behind just to escape our deeply racist society. I know that I could stay here, I could fight, but I’m wary of fighting; life is tough everywhere, sure, but it shouldn’t have to be a battle all the time.
I have been the definition of “pull yourself up by your boot straps.” I don’t come for the most well off background and I’m also a Black woman, but I’ve never let that deter me. I’ve always grinded it out regardless of the situation I was dealing with. I have historically taken the obstacles and inequalities I’ve faced on the chin and kept going, but recently, between the firing and noticeable social media disparities, I have felt really defeated. I got to a point mentally, where I asked myself “why am I constantly showing up and pushing myself when I’m just gonna get pushed down anyway?” I honestly got to a place where I felt really depressed, and I told my mom that I just want to give up.
So where does this leave me now? In the midst of my depressed, bed-ridden state, my mom said to me “you can stay down for a day, but tomorrow you have to get back up.” And that is really just the reality of being a Black person in this country - you get pushed down today, and tomorrow you have to get back up and keep fighting. The only way that we’re able to do that is because we fight for each other and we pick each other up when we’re down. As hard as being Black is I am so grateful for my community because we are the only people that truly understand how hard this walk is, but we don’t let each other wallow in it. We still laugh. We still throw the party. We still have fun. We hold each other up because we know that if we didn’t, we would all crumble.
I eventually made it out of bed, same day to my surprise. I showered, got dressed, got cute to be specific, and headed to an entrepreneur’s networking event hosted by a Black woman in my community. I introduced myself as a writer of this newsletter and a freelancer who writes content for businesses, this was a Thursday and I had no clients at the time (I’ll write a separate story on my work situation later). The following Monday, I booked my first client - a nonprofit in Florida fighting for issues that primarily affect Black and Brown people in the state, which was a huge win for me. The following Tuesday, I woke up to my Note that I wrote in despair the previous Thursday, blowing up - it currently has 328 likes, 22 replies, and 39 restacks. It turns out that many people are fighting the same battle alongside me. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I received after I shared my truth. I also was accosted by a white man who called me “a racist bitch” for telling my story; I told him off, blocked, and reported him, and other people did the same without me asking them to because that’s what community does - we show up for each other. I am encouraged by all the reaffirming messages for me to keep showing up and sharing my work, and I certainly will because that’s what we do.
Housekeeping
This piece was a heavier read, so I’m excited to drop something lighter this Friday. I’m launching a new series called “Obsessions,” which is the unserious, pop culture centered arm of If I’m Being Honest. You can look forward to “Obsessions” dropping the last Friday of every month. See you soon!
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So important for me to read this and know this. Thank you!
Love you alwayz! 🖤