Somewhere on Sunday: Marvalene Gordon Nkabinde
A conversation with my Grams on God, grief, therapy, and family.
Welcome to Somewhere on Sunday, a conversation series where I get to know people from all walks of life, through the lens of how they spend their Sunday. I decided to focus on Sunday because it’s a day where people can, typically, choose their own adventure and prepare for the week ahead. The way a person spends their last day of the weekend, and first day of the week, says so much about how they live and what they value.
My guest for this Somewhere on Sunday is very special to me, it’s my grandmother, AKA Grams, Marvalene Gordon Nkabinde. She holds many titles within in our family including Mom, Grams, Auntie, Wife, and Great Grandma, but before retiring Nkabinde also worked for eighteen years in a facility for people with mental disabilities. Nkabinde is originally from Clarendon, Jamaica, immigrating to the United States at twenty years old. She is a devout Christian, dedicated family member, lover of reggae music, and believes that living a life of gratitude brings more blessings.
Amanda Greenidge (AG): So what does Sunday mean to you? What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word?
Marvalene Gordon Nkabinde (MGN): Resting, a day of rest.
AG: Okay, and what were your Sundays like growing up?
MGN: Well, mostly I remember growing up, we used to go to church when my mom is home, and then my older sister, when she was taking care of us, she used to make sure we go to church on Sundays. But my favorite part of Sundays, back growing up, was after church; we would go home, we would just dress up, and then we would go for a walk. We would go walking like, probably about two miles, me and my younger sister. We're not walking in a park or anything like that, it would be on the street; we pass neighbors, call to [our] friends, and just keep walking. And then when we get back home, sometimes we would go to a Sunday school, like somebody's having a little Bible study in their home. So we would go to Bible studies, and then we’d go home, we'll probably have dinner first before we go to Bible study. And also, one of the good things about Sundays, [is] we used to have a special dinner.
AG: And your Sundays were happening in Jamaica growing up, right? This is for people that don’t know you.
MGN: Yes, that was in Jamaica. When I came to America, that was back in the 70s, it was only once in a while I would go to church because I didn't have a specific church that I used to go to at that time. I would just visit other churches, but mostly we just stay home, watch movies, and then I used to babysit my little brother [when] my mom was working.
AG: I was going to ask you how your Sunday routine has changed throughout different stages of your life? Because you moved to America, you're a mom, a grandma [now]. So how was that routine changed from this Sunday with your family at church, walking around with your sister, to now you’re in this different country with these different responsibilities?
MGN: Yeah, it was much different because when I just came here back in the 70s and 80s, it wasn't too much of any church activities back in the 70s, but when [we] get into the 80s, by then I was a mother of three. I would send the girls to church, and I would be home taking care of the baby, until he gets a little bit better. I wasn't going to church then, until my brother Carl invited me to church. He would invite me to different churches on Sundays, and then he became a member and a pastor, like a youth pastor. So he was inviting me more often to go to church, and I would take the kids, and sometimes I would go, sometimes I don't.
My mom started to go into church and she would invite me; I would make all kind of excuse not to go. One day, I told her, I don't have anything to wear. She would send some clothes to me, send me a dress of hers, and say, “okay, here's a dress, you have no excuse, you can come to church.”
AG: This is actually surprising to hear as your granddaughter because it would never cross my mind that you wouldn't want to go to church, that's always been something that you've done. When did that crossover happen for you? [When] was it like, okay, everyone's kind of pushing me to go versus I really want to go for me?
MGN: Yeah, there were times when I just didn't want to go because, at the time, I was not a Christian; I was not saved back then. In fact, I wasn't saved until I was in my 30s. So before then, I would visit church, I would send the kids to church, but I would stay home. Like I said, Sundays was a big meal day, a big spread of dinner. I would cook specific [things] like a roast, rice and peas, [and] bake cakes. Your mom would tell you, I would always be baking cake, making special juices, like carrot juice, and stuff like that on Sunday. So Sundays, I stay home so I could do all that cooking and stuff, and also make sure clothes [were] ready for the kids them to go to school the next day.
It wasn't until Ricky, your uncle, who was probably about five, one Sunday I was there cooking and singing, and I was singing my reggae music, and he said to me, “Mommy, it's Sunday, why aren't you singing God's song? Why are you singing reggae song?” I was shocked and I stopped, I said “maybe God is trying to tell me something.” So I started to go to church more often, and then I got saved. From then, Sundays was church.
AG: And what does your Sunday routine look like now? Take me from when you wake up in the morning to the time you go to bed.
MGN: Well, now I would get up, get ready for church, and mostly I don't have a big breakfast; I just have a simple breakfast, then I would go to church. On our way from church, we would stop for brunch, me and Frank, or we’ll just grab something to eat for lunch. [When] I come home I would just relax for a little bit, or I would do some housework, then I would make dinner. Now it's not a big dinner on Sunday like before when the kids were growing up, we just have something light, or we would go out to eat if we [didn’t] stop for brunch [earlier]. And then I would spend the rest of the day just relaxing, watching some movies or stuff like that.
AG: So why this routine now? How does that prepare you for your upcoming week? You're retired now, so your week schedule looks a little bit different from someone who's still working.
MGN: We [are] going through a period of grieving right now. I try to be emotional support, mainly for my younger sister, Tetla, and for Wendell (my brother in law) because he is still devastated by the loss of his wife of 43 years, so it's really difficult. Every day I would try to spend at least an hour or two talking to both of them, sometimes more, you know, depends. I'm always constantly doing some housework, and I also will make sure, that at least three days a week, I spend an hour doing some kind of exercise.
AG: You're also dealing with grief. How are you making space on Sunday, and also throughout the week, to deal with your grief, but also be there for other people too?
MGN: I started doing therapy, but so far I've only been to therapy twice, and I'll be going again in another week. So now it's going to be every two weeks until everything is okay. One of the things I do in the morning [is] listen to some little stories on my phone. So every morning, I would spend at least two hours listening to stuff like that, and then before I go to bed I would watch a movie, or comedy, or something like that to relax me before I go to bed.
Since Mom passed, sleep was really hard for me, eating was hard for me. Now my appetite is a little bit better and I'm getting more sleep, so I think just by being there for them [Tetla and Wendell], I'm helping myself too; whatever advice I'm giving them, I'm listening to that for myself too. I would say it's getting better, I'm getting better, I think they are getting better too, and it really mean a lot to me. Family is very important for me; you know that I love my family. I can't imagine my life without my kids, my grandkids.
AG: Yeah, we're all just trying to make it through together. It's been a really difficult year for our family.
MGN: So far, yeah, it has been. When I was talking to my therapist, and I told her that my sister passed so close after mom, I feel like I did not get a chance to grieve mom because grieving my sister overshadows that. It's like mom was put on the back burner. So after my first therapy, no, after my second therapy session, I I found myself really thinking about mom a lot more. I think about mom more, and I feel like I'm kind of letting go a little bit, you know, trying to deal with it because, of course, it was something that I knew was gonna happen because of how sick she was. So it helped me to deal with that more after, not that I'm not still grieving my sister because that was so sudden, and Doret was, I would say, my favorite sister.
AG: I hope Auntie Tetla doesn’t read this [laughs].
MGN: I mean, Tetla knows because Doret was her favorite sister too, she told me that. They would talk at least a half an hour every single day. [Now] that Doret is not there for her I'm the one who kind of step in and try to talk to her every day, try to have at least 15 minutes, 20 minutes, or even an hour with her every day; it’s like I'm stepping into the role even on Sundays.
AG: Yeah, and you talked about therapy, I feel like a lot of older people, especially older Black people, they've never been to therapy, or they just have dismissed the idea of going to therapy. So how did you have the courage to take that step?
MGN: When I went to my primary care doctor she was asking me how I was doing, and I told her about [how] my mom and my sister passed so close to each other, and how difficult it is for me and I'm not sleeping. She said she's gonna refer me to the place, they call it Life Stance, it's to a therapist because she said that would help me. In fact, she was giving me medication for it, but I didn't take the medication actually. I said “I'm gonna try it,” because this is not my first time getting therapy.
A few years ago, back in 2020, I did a year of therapy because of anxiety. I had a lot of anxiety, couldn't sleep, and all of that stuff, I felt like I was losing my mind. The doctors that I was seeing at that time too, also recommended that I get therapy. I called one day, I just felt like I was just going crazy, so I called somebody and said, “I need to talk to somebody,” so I got a year of therapy then. I know that it does help [to] sit down and just talk.
AG: It's very healing for me to see you go to therapy or talk about anxiety because I've been in therapy, in and out, for about a decade now. I've dealt with anxiety. I think so often, as Black women, we see the women in our lives as always being strong, or always having everything together. When I see you dealing with grief, or I see you going to therapy, it's like, you're human too, you know? I think it gives me more space to feel like it's okay to be human, like we don't always have to be strong.
MGN: Not only [do] we have to be strong for ourselves, we have to be strong for other family members too. Because with this family, all of us, we are all close, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and that's what I love about my family. We are so close knit, we care about one another. Even if we haven't spoken to a person for a year or so, we still have that closeness where if we call somebody that we haven't talked to in a long time, we can still have a conversation like we just talked to them yesterday.
AG: Bringing it back to Sunday, my closing question for you is, what's one thing that you'd recommend people do every Sunday?
MGN: I know that a lot of people don't believe in going to church, but even if you don't go to church, I would recommend you try to spiritually reach out to God. Not just Sunday, every day, but on Sunday especially, tune into a service and just listen to something inspirational. Do something inspirational on Sunday, and also make it a rest day - a day to do self care spiritually and mentally. Self care on Sundays is also part of drawing closer to God because God is Spirit, so when we reach out spiritually and care for ourselves, we draw closer to God.
*This interview has been edited and condensed.
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This is very wholesome. Wishing you and your fam a lotta love & strength 👊