About this series: I’ve had this idea to write about self love for a while now, but it took some time to wrap my brain around what that meant. Because the topic is so dense and multifaceted, I decide to break it up into pieces - the mind, the body, and the soul - these three parts make up the Self Love series. Ladies and gentlemen, part three (the soul), enjoy.
The greatest gift I have given myself recently is choosing to surrender.
When I came back to New York in May, I found myself grappling with resistance. Though I had achieved what I set out to, living alone in my ideal apartment in Brooklyn, the person who arrived at the dream wasn’t the same one who dreamt it. What I hadn’t calculated, in all my schemes and plans, was my own evolution. Being in the South for five months changed me and gave me the realization that I belong in the trees. I am most at peace with my feet barefoot in the grass, skin touched by the sun, listening to the songs of nature. This is hard to get in New York City, and that hasn’t been the only battle for me here. I am far away from my primary support system, my budget is tighter than ever, and the combination of all these things knocked me off my axis upon arrival.
I was only a couple weeks into my lease when I started having renter’s remorse. I wanted out, and I started questioning why I came back and what would happen if I left again. I returned to New York with a two year timeline, but wondered if I should shorten it to one. I spent months going over the options and scenarios in my mind, agonizing over the decision - I still haven’t made one. I was driving myself crazy with this psychotic game of mental ping pong, and then I had a revelation. Regardless of what choice I made, it wouldn’t change the fact that I was here now.
I prayed for this life I’m living now, but when I got it I was ruining the moment with grief and complaint. It is true, I have sacrificed a lot to get here, but that’s also my incentive to make it worthwhile. So, I made the decision to shelve what I’ve deemed “the New York debate,” until January of next year. This gives me five months to just be present and tap in with where I am right now.
It’s funny how the universe listens and responds. When I dropped the weight of resistance to my now, things started flowing. I’ve met more neighbors in my building, was invited to join a dog group at the park, and have come up on extra money in ways I hadn’t planned. It’s like the moment I decided to surrender, help started to come in.
No longer plotting my exit from the city, I’ve found myself giddy for the upcoming season. I’m joining a fellowship group at the library, taking a writing class, starting a new side business, and I’m oh so excited to catch a football game at my favorite bar. Good things are coming ‘round the bend, but they are also happening everyday.
Being present has given me a renewed interest in how I live my day to day life. I’ve been investing more money into my home - I have plants now! - and working on finding joy and ease daily. I’ve also been reprioritizing the little things. Meditating, journaling, yoga, walks, showers with the candles on, good TV, and quality time with my animals have been ways to fill my cup up everyday. Focusing in on “the little things,” is how I stay grounded and sane in this chaotic world. It also connects me to the true essence of life, gets me out of my head and back in my body, back to what’s real. Giving in to my life has allowed me to actually enjoy it again. The choice to surrender has also turned out to be the greatest act of self love.
Love requires presence, and when I was resisting I couldn’t fully show up for myself. I was neglecting the possibility of finding joy in the now and putting my happiness out in front of me. A few weeks ago, I kept thinking if I could move back to a place surrounded with more nature, that was cheaper and closer to family, I’d be happy. Guess what, I had that once upon a time and back then I told myself “if only I was living in New York I’d be…” Accomplishing this dream has been a blessing already because it’s forced me to realize just how much happiness is an inside job. Of course our surroundings have an impact, but I know now that whether or not I find joy is dependent upon me actively seeking it.
Everything I’ve been searching for in outside places - cities, partners, friends, substances - has been available within me all along. Everyday I have the power to tap into the magic of life, to savor and romanticize it. I surrender knowing that I am where I need to be right now and I will get to the places I’m meant to. I don’t need to force things along, I just need to show up tuned in, tapped in, turned on (iykyk) and the rest will figure itself out. This is the ultimate act of faith, letting go and letting life support me on my way.
Ultimately, this journey of self love has been about release. I’m releasing the impulse to criticize my body, I’m releasing my real thoughts and opinions to the world, and I am releasing myself from the illusion that I am fully in control. It’s all a surrender, a letting go of habits that I’ve let bring me down. For the first time in my life, I feel that I am anchoring into my true self. I’ve found myself being bolder, laughing more, dancing more, just being plain silly, and most of all being hopeful for what my future brings.
This is a return to who I really am, a return to my first love.
Thank you for reading the Self Love series. Writing these stories has been a vulnerable, heart opening journey that has made me feel less alone in my struggles. If you haven’t already, be sure to read parts one and two.
Housekeeping
If I’m Being Honest is approaching it’s one year anniversary on September 6th! With this is mind, I will be skipping the 08/28 post and writing a special edition of this newsletter that will drop on Friday, September 6th. The schedule will return to every other Wednesday after that.
aahhh this is so beautiful! so glad you’re in nyc and that i had the pleasure of meeting you!