I took my dog out on a walking trail this past Sunday. We walked and walked and walked, for a mile or two, before we stopped and turned around. When I finally rotated my body from looking at the terrain left to cross, to looking at the ground we had already covered, I realized just how far we’d come. That experienced mirrored another moment in my life recently. After almost two years of endlessly moving through intense highs and lows, I finally arrived at a moment that prompted me to stop, turn around, and see just how far I’ve come. That moment was when I signed a lease on a one bedroom in Brooklyn - no co-signer, guarantor, or outside party to speak of - just me.
I had a lot of doubt come up in my mind during my apartment search, mostly the question of “would I be enough?” New York has a way of bringing up that shadow for me because at every turn you see how much more you could be: richer, thinner, more connected, etc. I fretted if I’d be able to compete with people with deeper pockets or if I’d be welcomed as Black applicant. Fortunately, everything worked out quite smoothly, and I was approved for my first choice apartment. I jumped up and down, wildly flipping my hair when I found out I got my place, and then I grabbed my mom so we could celebrate together too.
The process of getting the apartment was stressful, but it was over within two weeks. Once I signed my lease that was it, nothing else to really worry about. I can’t remember the last time everything was just…fine. There’s no major life drama to obsess over right now, my only mission at the moment is to just enjoy the fruits of my labor, and that’s been a challenge for me. I’ve spent so much of my life the past few years just surviving, trying to keep myself from drowning as life happened quickly. Now here I am, on the other side of survival mode, and I’ve had to rethink my entire approach to living. Signing this lease has presented an opportunity to redefine myself, and shift from a life of surviving to thriving in a space of ease.
Ease sounds great, relaxing, but for me it’s often been something that’s unnatural. A combination of anxiety, trauma, type A Capricornness, and a propensity to constantly be in my head make it hard for me to just be; it also doesn’t help that I’ve been moving, shaking, and making things happen for half my life now.
Initially, my first reaction to having nothing to worry about was to find problems. I started stressing over shoulda, woulda, couldas and even fretted about my return to New York. What ifs started popping up like “what if I lose my job again, what if I go further into debt?” My therapist reminded me that “what if, could have, and should have” are things that have to be deleted from my vocabulary because there is nothing I can do about them, all I can truly control is the present moment. A conversation with my father further illuminated that my urge to hunt down new problems was happening because I have bandwidth.
Bandwidth is defined as “the energy or mental capacity required to deal with a situation.” When there is no situation to deal with though, that energy and mental capacity has to go somewhere else. Right now, there is space in my mind to do more than just get through something. Instead of using said space in a destructive way, I have the opportunity to learn new things, write more, try out new hobbies, read, grow, or simply rest in the present moment. The latter has been instrumental in enjoying where I’m at in life right now, my new mantra is “just be here.” By practicing this state of mindfulness, I’ve eliminated a lot of the mental distress that was bogging me down and robbing me of the beauty of my life.
Learning to live on other side of constant struggle is a challenge that I don’t see talked about enough. Celebrating a win, and allowing yourself to breathe, is tough when you’ve gone through so much hardship to get there. Taking things day by day is how we survive the most painful moments of our lives, and it’s also how we celebrate the wins.
Just. Be. Here.
I typically make this section a space for Resources, but how would you all feel about them being replaced with questions to be answered in the comments section or used as your personal journal prompts? Please provide your feedback in the poll down below. (Sample question: How do you make space to enjoy the good things in life?)
Yay!!! I’m so happy that you secured a lease. Maybe one of my visits we can grab coffee. I’m a Capricorn and it feels like we came out the womb planning and perfecting lol. So I get it. I started swim lessons and it helps me be more present because that’s the only thing that matters in that moment and that’s how every moment should me
Congratulations on making it to the other side of survival mode! That is such a huge thing to celebrate. And because life has to constantly throw obstacles at us, you have to find a way to actually enjoy this season. I’m glad that you’re figuring it out and thank you for the reminders to take things day by day and to ‘just be here’. I needed them.