I imagined that this post would be a victory lap. I wanted to write to you all from a place of having conquered. I wanted to share with you all the changes I’ve made and lessons I’ve learned this year, and be like “see, everything always works out okay!” That is not this post, I cannot conjure that story up with honesty. The truth is, I am turning 29 tomorrow and it is daunting how uncertain my future is.
I had 2025 planned out in my notes app long before the customary “New Year, New Me,” conversations started taking over the internet. I like to plan things, and I could see the vision. I imagined 2025 to be an elevation of what I had been diligently working on in 2024, and it very well may be, but I DON’T KNOW and that’s why I’m anxious. I have no fucking idea of what’s coming around the corner right now, and of course the comedy in that is that I never do. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my twenties, it’s that life is unpredictable.
I imagined that I’d have a bit more stability at this big age. When 29 was still the distant future I had everything mapped out. I wanted to be married by 27 and planned to have a baby at thirty; I assumed I’d be executing these plans with ample financial resources in a home that I owned. That is so far removed from current reality it’s not even funny. If you’ve been here for awhile then you know I’m unmarried with no upcoming plans to have children. I just lost my job, my finances are a joke, and homeownership? I don’t know her.
Being so close to thirty and being so far removed from what I thought I’d be doing at this age, is disappointing in some ways and freeing in others. I am so happy that I am not married and preparing to have a baby next year - COULD YOU IMAGINE?! Every time I babysit my niece I’m reaffirmed that I am not ready for children. My life right now is fast, busy, and centered around me, my animals, and my writing, and I like it that way. Relationship wise, I’d rather be single than married to the wrong person. I don’t own a home like I thought I would, but that’s okay because I plan to move states again for grad school, and going back to school is something I never thought I’d do. The only thing I really wish I had figured out by now is my finances, but that’s why I’m prioritizing them in 2025.
Despite my current angst about my life situation (re: unemployment), I feel no ill will towards getting older. I am thrilled to be entering the last year of my twenties and to be given the gift of life another year. When I look back on 28, I am proud of myself. I did the hard things this year, I faced my demons and took a clear look at my self for the first time maybe ever. I stopped dating and chose celibacy, I took a giant step back from smoking and drinking, I went to therapy for a time and learned to better handle my thoughts and traumas, I rediscovered my voice and started saying my truth more, I paid rent all by myself for a sick one-bedroom in Brooklyn, and I poured my all into my writing. I am proud of the work I put in this year, I am proud of who I’ve become.
It feels good to be in this place after a long, tumultuous decade. I have navigated so much trauma, pain, guilt, uncertainty, and self doubt. I have been lost more than I’ve been found, and I have struggled to get a grasp on who I am. But finally, as this decade wanes, I am getting to know my real self. I am a fun person, no really, I like to dance everyday, sing along to good music, travel, hike, go to concerts, eat good food, and spend time with good people. I am ambitious, I want to be the best at what I do, and I am always thinking about how I can do more and be more. I am loving, I love the people in my life fiercely and loyally, and sometimes that bites me in the ass, but mostly it doesn’t. People really fuck with me and I realize it’s because I’m awesome and genuine, and I care about people and I never want to stop doing that. I love my animals with all my heart and I absolutely love being their mom. And after much trial and error, I finally, finally, love myself.
I love myself enough to do what’s best for me even when it’s hard, I love myself enough to put me first even if that means disappointing others, I love myself so I go after the things that I want and remind myself that I deserve them, I love myself enough to frequently venture out of my comfort zone and into the unknown where the magic lies. I don’t know why it took me so long to love me, but I’m grateful that I’ve arrived here.
So much of my life has been about outward validation. I’ve run myself into the ground trying to prove I was enough for other people, trying to get someone to love me so I could prove to myself that I was worthy of love, and the joke is that the person I was waiting for was me. I am proud of myself this year, not because of some outside achievement or relationship with someone else, I am proud of myself because of how I showed up for me.
In addition to loving myself, I also love my life now. I finally have a peaceful home, when I was working it wasn’t work that I hated, I create beautiful things and I share them with beautiful people, I find joy and gratitude in every day, I have learned to navigate my emotions without leaning on substances as a crutch, I have built communities with people who I admire and respect, I am happily single and hopeful that when the time is right I will meet my match. Life is good and even at this low point I know that things will work out for me, they always do.
Life is not perfect however, there are still traumas that haunt me and things I wish I could change. I still get anxious and I am always frustrated at how unjust it is to be a Black woman in this world. I get flustered about the things I can’t control and I worry more than I should. But life will never be perfect, and I have finally let go of waiting on everything to be right in order to be happy.
I am walking into 29 a completely different person than when I entered 28. My word for this past year was “reclamation,” I felt a deep need to reclaim who I was underneath the layers of bullshit I had been carrying around for so long. For 29 and 2025 my word is “elevation,” I am taking everything to the next level this year. It’s time for me to step fully into myself and to go after everything I deserve. This year it not an overhaul, but rather a continuation and expansion of last year’s work.
I feel in my spirit that this is a chapter closing and everyday I am birthing a new self. The woman I always wanted to be, the one I imagined in my head, doesn’t feel so far away now. The woman in my head is happy, has her shit together, and looks good while doing it. Slowly, I am becoming her, and I have a feeling that at the end of this year, as a I enter my next decade, I’ll be stepping into that self I always wanted to be.
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